August19 my heart is aching. 87 days. in a way i'm really excited that he is giving me all the freedom in the world to transform from the naive individual i am to something so much bigger than i can even imagine at this point in my life. but i miss him and i'm worried. post0

August18 it's fucking insane how much your life can change in 7 short weeks. thats just about 50 days. in that time my life has done a 180. in the past two months i have planted so many seeds that will help me gracefully carry on for the next few years of my life. i have a lot that i want to be alive for now. post0

May21 i hate life right now. my mom comes home for five minutes a day, plops down on the couch and thinks of things she can yell at me for. everyday i come home and she has some note for me calling me a jerk or saying i didnt put my dishes away or something. and it really fucking gets to me because i work my ass off keeping everything around the house together. she doesn't even think to yell at the fucking stranger she has living here, doesn't even fucking consider that him and his 10 fucking computer geek friends here at a givin time would bother me. she doesn't have to do anything but take my dad's child support check and pay her bills and spend the rest of whatever she makes on her stupid 80 dollar face cream that sure as fuck isn't helping her any and going out feeding her fat ass. then there's my boyfriend who forced his way into my life and sealed up all the ways i could push him out. he's fucking stuck with me. he's got all of his stupid shit here and is a fucking slob and i can't stand it. i hate everyone i see on a daily basis and i just have to bite my tongue, which most of the time i don't anyway. i cant wait to get the fuck out of here. post0

November12 alright. fuck this. i think my mom is being the most selfish bitch. and i'm sure she thinks the same about me. for the past couple months she has barely been taking me to go see my dad. and a believe a part of me really needs that.. to just get away, even for a day or two. When I go down there, it tends to become obvious to me that it's the first time that i've been taken care of in a really long time. and for the first time, i realize what my mom is. how she so frequently feels the need to test people for their loyalty and freaks the fuck out when you don't seem to care about her enough. she has no concept of anyone's feelings, and the destruction she is causing on anybody's lives. she doesn't want to own up to any responsibilities as an adult so she distracts herself and changes her life to make it work a little better for her. So she can have a little more fun. And just not give a fuck who she effects along the way. i hate that i have lived with her long enough to have kind of absorbed her careless tendencies and i want to scrub it all out. no wonder my dad is the way he is. i don't want this kind of life anymore. post0

December12 I'm really tired of feeling on top of the world one day and trying to convince myself not to kill myself the next. i miss the way i felt when school started and i had so much motivation. and somewhere somehow i lost it. i think i just fell off track and now i'm going to get right back on. and stay on. i will be back to my prefat weight by christmas break, and as soon as i get back to schoool... heads will be turning at my amazing transformation. :] post0

November15 [ mood | crazy ] oh god help me. i feel a "tick" coming on. a tick is when something in my brain goes horribly wrong and i just want to kill myself. so i'm staying away from those pills. or atleast handfulls of those pills. i wont do this again. but third time is a charm. trust me when i say i'd rather be dead nowadays. i dont know why this is happening again. i think i pull myself out of this and all of a sudden i want to die. i want to die so bad. i never want to wake up in this body in this life in this bed without you ever again. post0

July16 [ mood | dirty ] so lately every one seems to like me and i can't get into any one at all. it hurts so bad when i think about brandon because i really do love him, but i had to leave him.... he pushes me away without even realizing it, and when he wants to talk we're on completely different levels. but what am i talking about? he never wanted to talk. i completely let him use me and yes, i knew all along. how many times do you really need to be told or even shown? but i didn't care because this feeling i had with him was surreal and i never wanted to let go. actually, i never wanted anyone else but me to feel it. i thought i was addicted before but lately it seems different. more real, most likely because i am sick all the time, never have an appetite, lifeless and white as a ghost. post0

May25 it's been a while. so things have been different. everything with brandon has been really crappy and i don't even know where it's going at all. i want so badly for us to be okay, and to be the way we were before. but now it's all mind games and i've cried over him way more times than i've been happy with him. well i have met a lot of new friends, if you can even call them that. more like guys who are obsessed with me and buy me things like crazy. i haven't given them any kind of idea that i like them, and yet they take me to the mall and no lie.. say "get whatever you want" this week i have been taken to victorias secret twice by two different guys with no intention on showing either of them what they bought. they take me out for dinner, and one even bought me six months of tanning and goes with me! speaking of which, this weight is falling off. i'm not really trying at all, but i know i'm barely eating. i'm never hungry. i can't explain it, but i'm right back to the anxiety around food. unless i'm being taken out by one of my new friends because i know they like me so i just eat whatever i want in front of them. it's really quite perfect actually. and my hair is growing really quick too. i've been smoking like a fucking maniac, but not pot. i feel better about myself lately. but like i said shit with my boyfriend is awful. tomorrow after work i'm not even going to call him and he can see how it feels. actually, i'm not even going to talk to him tomorrow because he's such a little dickhead and i got invited to go to this amusement park by one of my new friends haha. post0

March17 [ mood | confused ] sweet 16: brandon came over after school, and on my dresser there was a big boquet of pink roses, and a new pipe, and a bag of cali orange weed, and a lighter. me and brandon had sex :) then we went downstairs, and my mom gave me a portable dvd player and 250$. we went to the mall, so i could go shopping, but brandon would not let me buy anything! he paid for every thing i tried to buy for myself. i even tried to do it when he was in the dressing room picking out stuff for himself. no guy has ever boughten me anything before, really. other than drugs and alcohol. he got me a ton of clothes at ae, eyeshadow new lipglosses a bra and a tote from victoria secrets, playboy sunglasses, a crystal star belly button ring, and a smoothie lol. then we went to outback and then he had to go homeeeee. :[ brandon hasnt been able to come over other than that all week because he's semi-grounded. it was okay though because i have my period anyway, and on thursday when he wanted to hang out i had to get my nails done with my mom, and yesturday chelsea wanted me to come burn with her after school, and not bring brandon. brandon called me like 4 times but i knew he didnt want to come hang out because i was just babysitting. while i was getting ready, of all people, manny stops by. i didnt even know what to think. i was in these tiny shorts and my new bra and a hoodie that covers nothing. i was embaressed and wanted it to be brandon. but it was manny, out of no where after six month. with a bottle of pills, and a bunch of sob stories. he kept telling me he missed me, and wished we could have worked out, and calling me veggie like he used to. he was talking to me like nothing ever happened between us. like we are together, and always have been. and just stops over and gives me pills, and a reallyy nice pair of sunglasses. lol. then i had to go babysit and brandon called again, and told me to call him when i got home but i didnt get there until 3 or so. now it's probably 6 and i think im going to start popping pills, cleaning up, doing laundry. ya knowww. read post2

February17 it's been a while. my sister downloaded this retarted game on not only our computer in ct, but the one in ny and my nanas and they're all pretty much shit now. the one in ny is totally crashed. anyway, i'm going out with brandon and i'm really loving it. everyday he comes over and we lay in my bed and just makeout for hours. we try to do something else but before we can leave, he's carrying me back to the bed and we're kissing for another twenty minutes. valentines day was amazing. there was a huge blizzard and we got the day off. alex brought these two guys over, who were fucking hilarious. they brought booze and a bag, and while i waited for brandon we drank a bottle of whiskey, and took a few too many bong hits. brandon showed up, two hours late and it turned out he walked all the way from his house to mine because he had no other way there. i felt so bad. he was so cold, and it's soo far away. and the other guys left, and he told me he just left my present at his grandparents house the night before. so we decided to walk there, and even though it was freezing it was so amazing. i've never seen so much snow in my entire life. on the side of the road it was probably three feet taller than me! anyway, we got there and he gave me a dozen red roses, really nice candles, and watermelon lotion stuff. it was all so nice. i had thurs. and fri. off and now i have the entire week off of school. it's so hard to not just have sex with him but i wont let myself. the longer i wait the better. i need to be a lot better than i am now anyway. my dad hired hannah and i a personal trainer. i feel muscles popping up all over my body, but i'm still fat. i'm eating so healthy, and noticing a difference in my skin and hair, but i'm still really fat. to be honest i don't know how brandon even likes me. he's cute, and i'm just fat. but it'll be okay, i'll get in shape. my birthday is coming up and maybe we can do it then. i dont know.. i'm still happy and excited even though i'm crying because i'm still fat. i wonder if one day i will just wake up and not be ugly anymore. post0

January11 today i had a slice of toast (60), with banana butter (80) arizona green tea (130) :[ a few baby tomatoes and carrots, three crackers with salmon. (250) ugh 500. i did some stretching for 10 minutes strenth training for 20 minutes (3 arm reps, 2 leg reps, 2 ab reps) cardio for 30 minutes and i walked to go tanning and back, which kicked off atleast 150 cals. and i walked to get a bag and now i'm about to go for another walk. i need to drink water. post0

June2 weds me & everybody went down to the arch. nikki bought a bottle and we got buzzed and swam for a bit. then it started to pour so we had to walk all the way back to town (about a mile?) it was an adventure though. then we went to nikki's and drank some more. last night i hung out with alex and ashley and i got really high then went tanning. i got so scared in there that i lost my high. but then i went back up to nikkis and she had gotten a 30 & 18 pack. so, again i got drunk. after we got wasted me robyn and matt were sitting around talking, and we started talking about self conciousness. he told us he was really embaressed about his nipples, because they are "big" and "a strange color" and he's "fat" none of that is true at all. i mean his nipples look totally normal to me. and he is tiny, before last night i never saw his stomach. so then he wanted to see mine ( i shouldve realized that before ) anyway, after 8 beers later, being harassed by everyone, a lot of dancing i dont remember much. except standing in the bathroom with robyn, pulling our pants down to look at our butts. and then falling down all of mikeys stairs, and now having two huge blue and purple bruises on my elbow and back. i am going to ct in a little while. i have a drs appointment on saturday (scared =[) and im getting my braces off too (but theyre being put back on same day) it feels like summer again. i need to stop drinking everyday. and throwing up. thats the worst. post0

this is the first day of my life. May14 i am in love for the very first time. just hearing his voice makes me know that everything is going to be okay. better than okay, fucking amazing. i wish i could scream out how happy i am. so loud that you'd hear me. i want you to know that for the first time in years i am happy for real. i hope that wherever you are right now, you're doing just as well as i am. read post4

April22 i am infatuated. post0

October17 a few lines later, we were sitting on the porch out front of a house that no one has lived in for years. post0

September4 I got drunk, and thought out loud. Then I realized that drinking makes no sense at all. It doesn't make you forget about anything, or solve any problems. So far, it has just caused trouble for me and made more problems than I could possibly forget. But I am going to use all of my experiances this summer to learn from. Just walking home tonight I learned that if he ever does love me, I'd be extatic. Obviously, I think he's amazing. And if he never loves me, I can't blame him. I wish I could love everyone that has ever loved me, but I can't, and either can he. I'm going to move on and someday fall in love so much harder, and laugh about these days. But for some reason, with each passing day I think he realizes that my feelings were true. read post5

July12 FRIENDS ONLY I'm a different person now. Different than I was last week, and an entirely different person than I was when I made this journal well over a year ago. I still don't care about what you think, or thought of me, heard about me, said about me and I especially don't care what you want from me.